Sunday, June 26, 2016

Story of a never taken decision

Decisions are never easy. Whether it is about buying a new dress or deciding about your life partner. Each decision changes something in the thread of time.

And, then there are some decisions which are never taken. They remain in the limbo, waiting forever like an abandoned child. Sometimes when that child cry, you give him a lolly to appease him. You tell him, “Dear child, I will come to you. Right now, you are too impossible for me to decide upon.”

The child outgrows the lollies and becomes a cranky teen. Now, he beats the drums over your head, and you still ignore him. After all, he is your child, you can control him. You give him everything material, but not the much needed time to decide.

By the time it becomes a confused adult you realise the battle is almost lost. That’s when you start your emotional drama. You cry, howl, fight, but still keep your decision at a bay.

The decision reaches a stage where it is old and withered, and begs you to finally do what you had to do. But, now you have the perfect answer, “It's too late.” That's when it sighs sadly and takes its final breath.

The decision finally dies untaken, and you tell yourself in a matter-of-fact manner, “Oh! It was a hard decision to take, after all!”

Friday, June 26, 2015

He and She concludes

“I do not intend to pain you anymore," she said looking into his eyes.

“I never thought to pain you ever and if my behaviour makes you sulk more, makes you more cocooned and reclusive, I think it is better that I no longer be a part of your life. You no longer need to worry about me. Just go and live your life, like the way you always wanted to. This should not change anything,” she continued.

“What about you?” he asked, concerned.

“Don’t feel guilty for me. Life is too small to live in guilt. I have found my path. I know where it leads to. No, I won’t lie. It would pain me, immensely. But it’s ok, as long as you are happy, I am happy too. Just promise me that you would be happy,” she said with tears brimming in her eyes.

But she amassed the courage to continue, “You know, some relations are never meant to be and this is one such. Wish it could have been.” That’s all she could say and left the restaurant knowing now there is no turning back.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Dialogue on God

He: I am an atheist.
She: Should that concern me?
He: Only if you are the religious types.
She: And, what if I am.
He: Too bad, we could have been friends.
She: So you make friends based on their belief in God!
He: Hmm, not really, it is just convenient to have friends who would not blame God for their miseries, for their inefficiencies and luckless lives.
She: Are you a believer of karma then?
He: No, I just believe in myself. I only know me.
She: Really, who are you?
He: That’s not hard to define. Besides the usual stuff that my resume states, I am someone who is completely focused on my goal.
She: What is your goal?
He: You ask too many questions, but I don’t mind answering this one. My goal is to build a log cabin high up in a lonely mountain.
She: You don’t want to be disturbed is it?
He: Yeah, besides that’s the only way to move away from this din of human existence.
She: Escaping from life or situations could never be an answer. Facing your own devil and overcoming your fears would make you happy even if you live in the most populated part of the world.
He: Easier for you to say, how would you know what an atheist faces. There is always a vacuum, questions that keep swirling and burden to owe up all mistakes. There is no God to blame, you become the creator of your own future. It’s a hard life.
She: Fact is, you chose it for yourself. So, why complain? Embrace what you are and have the courage to face it, to live your truest self. Like any other believer of God, you are also blaming Him. Only thing, you are blaming Him for your inability to believe in His existence.
He: You are right, think we can become friends after all...

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

One Act

A woman enters the stage and sits on the comfortable couch at the centre of the stage. Another woman enters whose face is not visible and sits on the other couch facing the first woman. Let’s for convenience sake call them ‘I’ and ‘She’.

I: And so I dumped him. After so many years of relationship, I finally decided to dump him. Many asked, “Why now, is it because of that other guy? He was just asking you to wait for a couple of more months, why couldn’t you do it, a couple of more months wouldn’t have killed you?”

She: You don’t need to answer them.

I: Actually, I had no answers for them. They would not understand. I wanted to mourn at peace, I wanted to rebuild my life. Who are these people questioning me? What do they contribute to my life? Who are they to judge me?

She: Thing is, you need to answer yourself darling.

I: You know, I had been a classical mix of being fragile and strong at the same time. Oxymoronic but true. I always needed someone to validate me, my feelings, my emotions. I always wanted something to hang on to. I was young. I was vulnerable. I was rebellious. A very potent combination.

When he walked in, for the first time ever, I felt loved, cared for. And, I decided to do whatever to save this relationship. I have always been headstrong. I wanted to make it through.

It was my fault all through. I dragged on a relationship that was dead long ago. I should have snapped out of it, but I lacked courage do so. Maybe, I was selfish. If I let him go, who would I hang on to? Or, maybe I really cared for him too much to break him? Or, maybe it was my stubbornness that I wanted to show the world that I could face any adversity in life? Whatever, it was, it was all me and no one else.

She: Don’t you think you are being too harsh on yourself. There has to be a fault at the other end too.

I: Ok, let us look at this entire situation from his end then. He was alone and depressed and suddenly one fine day a girl comes into his life filling it with happiness and sunshine. She helps him see a brighter future and helps him find a direction for his life. He goes on to become successful. He was very sure of her, that she would always be there, no matter what. He had responsibilities and she understood. She was the perfect person anyone could have. How did he know that the perfection would crack as well?

After a few years, she started changing. He noticed, but decided to ignore it. She rapped him and told him that she is changing, someone is meddling with her head and heart. He still decided to ignore it, after all, he trusted her too much. She could never go wrong. But then she did go wrong, at least from his perspective. She did break his heart. She did leave him, that too at a time when he would have made it through, at least he was confident of it.

He begged her to come back. He asked her not to leave him. He told her that she was making a mistake. She came back. He was ecstatic. But, she was never the same again. She did not care much now. She just kept working and avoiding any questions on their future together. He knew he has lost her, but like her he needed someone to hold on to. He did not let her go. She tried again and again, for an entire year, they were in turmoil. The constant push and pull, the cries, the pain, the hurt, the excuses. Finally, there was a stage of no return. She had decided for once and all, she would not budge, she would not relent. She became heartless, cold and indifferent. His world came crashing down. He could not believe this could happen to him too. He was totally devastated.

Now, do you see the story from his perspective?

She: Wow! Makes you a monster woman. Why did you do that to him?

I: You are no one to judge me. Actually, you are the only one who has the right to judge me. As I said before, the fault is all mine. I should have told him long ago that things are not working out. I prolonged it too long and caused too much of pain. It is not good to lead someone on, to make a person believe that you would be with him for life and dump him one fine day.

She: Are you guilty of your actions?

I: I have a consciousness too woman. Of course, I was guilty but that guilt was not taking me anywhere. I kept giving in because of this guilt. Even now I am guilty, because I am not helping him get up and walk again, after all, I have been his best friend too. And, friends do not leave each other at the time of crisis.

She: Why don’t you help him then? Isn’t it the easier way out, help him settle down and then move on. Oh! You are so selfish.

I: Go ahead, judge me. I am not giving any explanations here. Would you believe me if I said that I tried, that I tried to help him out, that I have actually left him at a juncture from where he can build his life beautifully. That this is the time for him to reap in all his hard work and reach the sky. He will find much better people in his life than me, if he makes the effort to do so, just a bit of effort.

She: You don’t seem to understand, do you? He loves you and no amount of success would actually help him fill that gap which you have caused in his life. This is just a consolation you are giving yourself to escape going into a guilt trip.

I: Maybe you are right. There can be no reason actually to leave a person. No matter what excuses we give, valid or invalid, nothing can really validate the reason for leaving someone broken and shattered.

He is still trying to figure out why I left. I have given him all sorts of excuses – things not working out, it has been too long, I am out of love, there is someone else now, I need to move on – nothing, absolutely nothing worked out with him. Guess, when you love someone deeply, you refuse to believe that the person has become so heartless. He is in denial now, confused, and being depressed. He constantly talk about killing himself. I get jittery about that. Friends are telling me to cut all contacts, don’t take his calls, don’t reply to his messages, block him. I nod at them, be resilient for some time, but then how do I leave someone so broken, who is asking for my help. Maybe, that is a problem area. I have been resilient for so long, cold as steel, hard-hearted. He says, he is spoiling his life for me, he is fighting with his family for me, he would do whatever to get me back. Makes me wonder, what makes me so heartless, makes me wonder if I am a human being only. The other day, I actually saw my evil face while meditating; it was horrible, pure evil. Am I becoming an evil person?

She: You are losing your head here woman. Stop this right away. Cut loose, cut everything, no phone calls, no messages, nothing woman.

I laughed a dry, sarcastic laugh.

She: Woman, snap out of it, why are you laughing like a maniac.

I: Because, you are saying what others are as well. You are just like them. I don’t think you can judge me too. So, just stop being judgmental woman.

I started laughing again, this time her laughter was echoed by She too.

The curtain fell slowly.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Mourning of a moronically melancholic man

There is this itch that is eating me up for the last few days. Something is not right, something is just waiting to gobble me up, creeping towards me through that dark door I avoid looking at. That is the door that has been bolted for years for fear of opening up a new dimension of bright light and rainbow colors. The dark door is a strange sight, with the light shining through its sides, corners, tiny holes. Nature has its own way of infiltrating, the solid door I had created with so much of obsession over the years, is now being breached. With her immense force and persistence, nature has been able to even reach places that I had always perceived as permanently impenetrable.

I often wonder, am I becoming soft? Where is that stoic stance I was once known for? Am I losing my identity, my beliefs? Has that ever been my real identity or was that something I had put up to hide myself from the world? I don’t like such questions. They make me think. Think about things that I had conveniently locked up in some parts of my brain, sealed them perpetually with indifference and enclosed them with a cover of loath and insolence.

Why can’t she leave me alone? Why does she need to do this to me? What does she think of herself? Of course, she can, she is the almighty nature and what chance a mere human like me stand in front of her?

But my obstinate streak refuses to give in. I will fight her. I will not let her win. She may be a part of me, she may be inherent in me, my second self, but she is that, second to me, and should always remain so. I refuse to let her command my dominant self, the self I have built lovingly for so many years, the self of a moronically melancholic man!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The crying door

The ladies compartment of the Delhi Metro is a breeding ground for many stories, but this one is particularly heartfelt.

Women have a tendency to hide their feelings, their emotions, especially from their loved ones. If they are hurt by the ones they love the most, they often take the blame on their head, thinking something must be wrong with them, after all their beloved people can never go wrong. They hide their tears from their husbands, kids, families and friends.

They suffer in silence. But, sometimes the pain gets too much to endure and they let that pain flow through their tears. Many however, are not privileged enough to get a secluded place for themselves to cry, where they would not be interrupted, not judged. And for these women, the door at the beginning of the ladies compartment, that faces the track, becomes their haven.

While looking desolately at the track, the platform at the other end, the muted hustle-bustle, you may see a woman silently sobbing her heart out, occasionally wiping the tears with the corner of her handkerchief.

She would never be disturbed by others. Even among strangers, she would strangely feel free. No one judges her, no one stares at her, no one even comes to console her. That corner is sacred, no one violates that. They all know, today it is her need, tomorrow they might see themselves standing in the same corner.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Tomorrow

She did not know whether to cry or laugh seeing Rohit. They were meeting after so long that this itself seemed like an illusion. But then, he was there, in front of her, in flesh and blood. She shuddered to touch him.

‘What if he vanishes into thin air,’ she thought.

It all seemed ridiculous the moment Rohit gave her a warm bear hug.

He was real, he was there. She felt happy. Years of pain and hurt just melted at that moment.

She looked into his eyes, they were teary too. He has been hurting as well.

Two different people, different pasts, same story.

Why is life such a bitch? Why can’t things be given in a platter? Some people have it so easy that it is disgustingly unfair, while some keep toiling but do not even get pittance in return.

They looked at each other and all they could find was pain swarming in the eyes which used to be full of life and zest once. They were clearly broken, but they were too arrogant to show that. Their resilience to face life and take everything head-on had been costing them too much, but then they are essentially people who do not bow down to adversities. They get up every time they fall, keep analyzing themselves, figuring out what went wrong and fixing them.

This constant falling and getting up makes them so human, yet their will and determination gives them almost God-like characters! It is good to think yourself to be God or at least God-like, there is no judgement then, you are accepted as you are. No one to tell you, how wrong you have been, what a failure you have been in your life or how people just kept hurting you in spite of your seemingly good self.

Of course, they are not the best. They have their faults, they have inherent selfishness and issues too. But, they do have the courage to face them, face themselves and say, ‘This is wrong in me, and I am going to change it, no matter how much I hurt myself or anyone else in the process’.

Does that make them good?

Maybe, only for those people who understand. And for others, let us say, ‘No comments’.

Although, they did not say a word, it still seemed that they have communicated everything to each other in those few moments.

There was nothing to say, actually. They have said enough, they have heard enough.

It was time to keep quiet, to be silent.

It was time to heal finally.

The spark to live was coming back. They know they will sail through this too, maybe together or maybe as individuals.

Who knows, what tomorrow will bring...